Eff. Why? I...

Dear M ~ Thanks for the magazine. We'll have to take a few minutes so you can tell me all about your day yesterday.

This is my mantra this morning..."If he gives her the job I think I'll go berzerk. If he gives her the job I think I'll go berzerk." Repeat endlessly while attempting to reach the point of zen. Fail miserably at being serene. UPDATE, ya'll: She failed the typing test. So the job was offered to someone more qualified. There is justice in the world, after all. Our new co-worker (who we'll all meet in a couple of weeks) can type over 100 words per minute with 100 percent accuracy. She's a machine!!! I hope she's nice, though. I would hate to get on the bad side of an administrative support robot. Have you ever seen the damage one of those things can do when they're angry? Even my powerful office-ninja fu isn't enough to combat that...

The three little sentences that will get you through life, courtesy of Homer J. Simpson, in his infinite wisdom. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: oh, good idea boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

I feel obligated to put something interesting in this post, other than the mindless minutae of my daily existance. Lets see what I can find...Well, for starters, it's Wednesday. You know what that means. Surely you have not forgotten. Lost. I told someone yesterday that I don't care how convoluted the plot lines get and how long they drag things out. My mom had Twin Peaks. I have Lost. I'm with it 'til they cancel it. Even if I totally hate it by then...as long as there are no backwards talking dwarves at that point. Some things I'm not digging, though: Jack is the new Jesus? That's just ridiculous. How is it that Rose's cancer is gone, Locke can walk, Sun can get pregnant - all because of the miraculous curative powers of The Island™. But Henry/Ben develops a tumor, and the others can't bear children (thus their inclination to spirit away the youngest survivors of the crash and the attempt to take Claire's baby). So - the "good" people are healed and the "bad" people are stricken? Another one of the many good vs. evil parallels. I could just go on and on about it. But I won't. Anyway, tonight's episode is supposed to be pretty good (don't click the link if you don't like teasers/spoilers - or if you just don't care!).

An interview with Tori Amos. She just released a five CD box set.

James Cameron is not an archaeologist. He is most certainly an attention whore, and his best film was the first Terminator movie.

"Meow be back"

However, that won't keep me from watching the program on the Discovery Channel this Sunday. This is also a main story on National Geographic's website. Did somebody say Jehovah?

Oi. Wot issshhh.

Guess what. That pain in my ass is back. You know - the one that's been gone for two weeks. Color me unenthused. I didn't feel like getting out of bed this morning. But somehow I worked up the will to get dressed and come to work. Candidates for the boss's job will be around this week and the next. In recognition of that fact, this bit from Overheard reminds me of my old boss (just change mouse clicking to pen clicking aaannnd Presto!):
Boss to new receptionist: These are some of the noises I make that will annoy you. This is my mouse clicking. This is me kicking the desk in front of me. This is my chair squeaking. Oh, and sometimes I just say 'shit,' like I have Tourette's. Receptionist: Okay... [They go back to work.] Boss: Shit.

Snapple "real fact" of the day: a ball of glass will bounce higher than a ball of rubber. Even though I'm a little dubious of the realness of these supposed "facts" (and despite the disclaimer on their website), Snapple mango green tea is super good. So is the nectarine white tea. And half the calories of a bottle of soda, plus Antioxidants! Since I don't do ads here, that is not a shameless plug. But if a case of Snapple shows up at my door, I certainly won't send it back...

This from a story I read online today: "Walgreens is opening one store every 18 hours across the country". And then a CVS opens either right next door or across the street within a month. I don't even want to think about how many Starbucks there are within 15 miles of my office.

Before I forget - obligatory mention of the Oscars. Not because I care about the Oscars. Or any of the self-obsessed celebrity types in attendance. Nope. Just for no other reason than it's freaking everywhere today. First, I have very little desire to see most of the films that were nominated and less inclination to see those that won. I have Little Miss Sunshine sitting on a shelf at home, but have yet to watch it, and I will be buying Children of Men as soon as it comes out on DVD. As for the rest - pffff, whatevs. Second, some of the ladies looked great. Some did not. Either way, most of their dresses probably cost more than my whole family is worth. Third, Jennifer Hudson makes Beyonce look like a skinny little twig. But that's okay - nothing wrong with that at all. It's good to see one of us "more to love" kind of girls getting her due. And fourth, who the hell invited Ed Begley Jr. to the Oscars?!

I swear, they'll let anybody into these things...

Apples and spares.

Went and saw some of my mom's extended family for a little bit this afternoon - aunts, uncles and various cousins, either living here or visiting from PA. Isn't it funny how after you don't see someone for a considerable span of time you notice that sometimes people may age, but they don't really change. And it's not a Haswell family to-do unless there's a relish tray and a serious card game. I'm probably one of the few who doesn't really enjoy pickles and pepperchinis. I also don't really play games, either. But I'm sure as hell shaped like a Haswell.

SNL was cute last night. They brought back the Nunni's! The opening skit just reminded me of how I wish The Office wasn't on hiatus for six whole weeks. How will I ever survive it? And since I've switched topics, let me just say - what was with Roy's fit in the bar when Pam told him about the thing with Jim? Rage, much? Looks like somebody maybe needs to join Andy in anger management. Okay. Back to SNL... A note to Arcade Fire: You guys have way too much going on. It was all very distracting. Violin, keyboard, xylophone, multiple vocalists?! It just ends up sounding like random noise with no musical focus. And to me that stinks of an act with very little skill. They were all "look at us, we're playing atypical instruments - but because there are so many of us, you can't really tell if we play them well at all....!!"

M - Snow Patrol will be the musical guest in two weeks, then the week after that we see them live. Ready?

The Oscars are on? *Yawn* No thanks. I'll pass...BSG tonight - I hope it's a new episode, but I want more Apollo/Starbuck. Enough Callie/Tyrol already. I'm over it.

Dwight: Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica?
Party guest: No.
Dwight: No? Then you’re an idiot.

Bed Pan of Choice

Editor's Note: This blog has nothing whatsoever to do with bed pans. I know I usually try to tie the title in with the actual content, and this is a little more random than normal (it sets the tone, though, you'll see). It's just that I was listening to "Weapon of Choice" by Fatboy Slim just now, and this popped into my head. Shall we continue? Very well, then --

I just read a story about my son's favorite shoe brand, Heelys, getting banned at some malls. Now if we could only succeed in banning malls. A united front, people. That's all it would take.

I have a new favorite term for those mandatory work "lunch meetings", courtesy of UrbanDictionary:
hostage lunch
Meal purchased by the company, often pizza, and delivered for employees who bosses require them to attend a meeting or work over their lunch hour.
"I was planning on running some errands over my lunch hour, but the VP is keeping us in a meeting. At least he ordered us hostage lunch."
As we'd say in the halcyon days of my tortured adolescence...TRUE! Hey - it was the early '90's after all... The only thing worse than lunch meetings would be the mandatory lunch-time meetings sans mealage. Or, worse yet - being held hostage at your desk and working through your lunch break while famished because everyone else makes more money/has more education/just doesn't give a care and all walked out the door for lunch, and you're left being the team player stuck trying to keep the wheel greased. I know that M is feeling me on that one.

Speaking of my adolesence. This will take you back. Well, only if you're a product of the '80's like I am. But be patient - it will also take half an hour of your life...

I had episodes of She-Ra on VHS back in the day. But this clip is conspicuously missing a few of my other favorites - like Monchichis, Ewoks and Gummi Bears. And most notably: Thundercats (hooooo!). Sweet jesus. It's a miracle I'm not a freaking Furry.

But, this. THIS was the stuff...


I had Popples rollerskates!


Whatever happened to Saturday morning cartoons? I remember settling down with my giant bowl of cereal (the frostier or cocoa-y the better, damn it!) to a whole morning's worth of this glorious drivel. Not to mention the programming I could look forward to warping my brain after a hard day of Florida public school learnin'. But the crap they have on these days. Most of it isn't even cartoons! And it makes my childhood gems seem like sheer artisitc genius by comparison. I mean, have you seen the original programming on the Cartoon Network lately? Those cartoons are terrible times infinity. As opposed to the stuff I watched, which was just mildly terrible. And we walked two miles to school. Uphill. In the snow. Barefoot. And we liked it!
...Never gets old, that joke. Comedy. Gold.

Some things just aren't funny. Seriously.

Last night as I was turning off lights and locking up I heard a guy getting on the elevator say something flip about Night of the Long Knives, and then mention Kristallnacht. And then he laughed. How is that funny? What the hell is wrong with people? Can someone tell me how we have gotten to the place where well educated young Americans (so many of whom, although taught the history and relevance of these past events, are so out of touch with the reality of how easily such a progrom can be introduced and propogated by an agency, organization, and even a government) can make light of such things? I read reports all the time that the Southeast is rife with anti-semitism and hate groups. But I really never thought I'd witness something so incredibly blatant and ignorant just outside the door of my office.
Now, blatant ignorance inside of my office...well - that's something different alltogether.

< < < < < < < < < < < < < <

Craving...

***You can make your own at starbucks.com***

That will be our only topic of discussion

Because I don't feel like doing anything today, here are some facts you may not have known about one of my favorite shows - *The Office:

• The shots of Scranton in the opening credits were filmed by John Krasinski (Jim) and two of his friends before production began on the series. They shot the footage from a Jeep with the camera outside the sunroof.
• Angela Kinsey originally auditioned for the role of Pam Beesly. After her auditions, the producers thought she was "too feisty" for the character, but they later called her back for the part of Angela.
• Jenna Fisher (Pam) can type 85 words per minute with 90 percent accuracy.
• B.J. Novak, who plays temp-to-hire Ryan, is a writer and supervising producer for the show, and Paul Lieberstein (who plays HR rep Toby), and Mindy Kaling (as Kelly) are also credited as writers. Mindy is also credited as being a guest writer on SNL. Paul began his career in television as a writer on the Nickelodeon series Clarissa Explains It All.
• The character of Creed is played by Creed Bratton, formerly of the band The Grass Roots.
• Conan O'Brien and executive producer Greg Daniels were roommates at Harvard University, and worked together as writers on Saturday Night Live and The Simpsons.
• John Krasinski, Mindy Kaling, and Angela Kinsey all worked at some point as interns on Late Night with Conan O'Brien.
• The series was a mid-season replacement, so only six episodes were filmed for the first season. It was filmed in an actual office for those first six episodes, but a sound stage was built for subsiquent seasons once the show was picked up by the network.
• In the third season's Christmas episode "A Benihana Christmas", Andy takes Michael, Jim, and Dwight to Benihana. Except there is no Benihana restaurant actually in Scranton. No Chili's and no Hooters, either.
• Jenna Fisher has a MySpace page, as do several of the other actors - sometimes posting blogs "in character" (you can find a few of their profiles on B.J. Novak's MySpace page). Jenna and Rainn Wilson (Dwight) also have show blogs on TV Guide and NBC websites.
• Since the show is supposed to be a "mocumentary", NBC created a website for the fictional company of Dunder-Mifflin.
• TV Squad also has a great selection of show and cast tidbits.

And, as an added bonus - Rainn Wilson, who plays Dwight Schrute, will host Saturday Night Live this coming weekend. Awesome.

*All info gleaned from the repositories of data that are NBC.com and Wiki.

The unkindest cut

Okay. I have so far wholly avoided mention of the whole Anna Nicole Smith celebrity train wreck (I am, in fact, trying desperately to avoid it completely, but every time I turn around, there it is! What the hell happened to the news!? Now it's All Blond Bimbos All the Time - thanks for nothing, Mainstream Media...you bastards...). But this debacle can't go un-noted. The salon where Britney Spears gave herself the GI Jane is now charging customers $200 for what is normally a $20 men's haircut. Not to mention that some idiotic people are also selling her (alleged) hair on e-bay. And even more stupid people are bidding on it. That's really kind of...pathetic. Not to mention totally disgusting. I'm talking from a hygienic stand-point, mind you. I already know that most people, if given the chance, will act with little (or no) moral imperative, so the e-bay thing doesn't come as much of a surprise. But still...

The Apocalypse. Sometimes I think it can't come soon enough.

Your grandpa really was a hairy ape, though. Just sayin'.

The video below makes me furious. It also makes me sad. Some people are so afraid of the possibility that the universe exists in chaos and that there may be no real meaning to their lives other than basic day-to-day existance that they will deny the scientific record. I'm not saying that everyone has to believe in evolutionary-theory (and as a point of fact, Charles Darwin himself never addressed the idea of human evolution in his writing, due to the controversy it would cause) - but to flatly refuse to accept that any organism could be affected by evolution (also known as adaptation) is to deny the nature of the universe and life itself.

Jesus probably didn't ride a dinosaur to the Last Supper. And I've never seen a fossil in a real museum depicting them wearing saddles...

**If you really feel the urge to delve more into this, this organization has a website. It's equally retarded. Don't say I didn't warn you ahead of time.**

We had a quiz in science today. The answer to every question was "God did it." ~ The Simpsons

Lying liars and the lies they tell

As stated on another forum where I frequently post my (-random-inane-vacuous-) opinions and observations: "I work with people who make an art of stretching the truth like hand-pulled taffy". I guess that's a nice way of saying they're a bunch of lying liars. The more meetings I attend where people spout blatant falsehoods or act like they're completely surprised by something that any idiot could have seen coming the more frustrated I get by the supposed ethical (and educational) superiority they allegedly posess. There are few things I hate worse than people in a position of power or authority who are unwilling to be accountable. If you wrote a bad contract and now your program is getting screwed, don't just shrug and say "the administration wanted this" or claim you didn't know about the sentence in that very official document basically saying that our profit margin would be decreased so significantly that expenses would not keep pace with revenue...when you admitted ten minutes earlier that you were in on all of the meetings and helped draft the bid statement! It makes you either a fool or a liar. Probably both.

In other news, we have a jar of that Peter Pan peanut butter that is being recalled by manufacturer ConAgra Foods, due to salmonella. I checked, and this jar has the product code beginning with "2111" on the lid. We've been using it for a couple of months, and none of us has gotten sick. I'll be throwing that jar away tonight, though.

"Screw this. I'm going to go get some Irish Coffee."

So says the rare verigated hippie of the sub-species residentis. I would suggest going easy on the "Irish", though, dude. In fact, judging by the thermos of coffee in your hand while you were here getting all worked up, maybe you should ease up on the coffee consumption, too. Just a thought...

In the spirit of updating, as M has suggested I do, yesterday we bought a new toaster. We haven't had a toasting appliance in nearly forever. Well, okay. Not really forever ever, but a couple of months. And that's like two years in toast time. I was without my delicious imitation-raspberry flavor toaster strudels for far, far too long. We also bought an iron. Now, that's one thing I'll rarely use. I hate lugging out the ironing board and having it set up in the middle of the living room just to do something that the clothes dryer can do on high heat for four minutes. Of course, that could be why I look more than a little disheveled some days. I'm still waiting for the "just rolled out of bed and threw on the nearest piece of clothing" look to come into fashion. Each Spring I scan the glossy fashion mags for the words "Wrinkles are the new Black!!". When it happens I'll be all "Ha! In your face, people with nicely pressed clothes! You're out!".

Keeping (sort of) with the theme of what M and I were talking about today - what would the promo look like if The Office was one of your Law & Order-style crime dramas? It would look something like this little video here...I can't wait for Thursday night and my weekly dose of Jim. *Sigh*

Tuesday is like Monday, only worse.

When I got in this morning there were 45 e-mails in my in-box at work. Can't these people do anything without sending me an e-mail? And whatever the issues were had to wait until today, so I hope that some of them damn well solved their problems on their own. Most of them will be deleted un-read. Plus, my desk drawer was unlocked - I locked it when I left, I'm positive of that - and my computer was on. The profile was locked, so I don't know if someone tried logging into my machine or not. People better watch themselves...

Annnnd my co-worker is out. Again. Another false alarm? Great - now I get stuck doing her job. I'll never get my own job done at this rate. Wonderful.

But, on the bright side - OkGo won a Grammy. For best short-form video. Which wasn't part of what was broadcast, so I would have missed it even if I'd watched the show (which I decidedly did not, and am glad because The Black Eyed Peas won a Grammy for "My Humps" - seriously, WTF is that?!). But now I can say that I'm going to go see the Grammy Award-winning OkGo in March.

Home...

...is the place where, when you have to go there, They have to take you in. - Robert Frost

I got back in town yesterday after spending most of the day on a plane coming back from PA. ERI is a tiny little airport and I've had my fill of planes in the last few days. I liked the weather, though - I think I could get used to it - and I miss my grandparents already. I worry about them a lot, since we're all down here and they're by themselves up in Pennsylvania. But they'll be coming down for my son's 5th birthday, so I'll see them again pretty soon. Despite the circumstances, it was a nice chance to visit. I got to see the deer come out after dusk to eat the corn that my grandparents put out in the yard at the edge of the field, and it snowed on saturday. I had wanted to make a snowman, but the snow was the fine, powdery kind that doesn't quite stick well enough to pack. As you can see from the photo, there were iceicles aplenty. There's something about being up there that always makes me feel like a little kid again and fills me with a strangely painful nostalgia.

We may make a trip up this summer and maybe go next winter, too - I think I mentioned that in an earlier post, so now I'm repeating myself - so my son can experience an actual season besides "swelteringly hot" and "slightly cool". I'd like him to have some of the same experiences I did when I was little.

Oh, just as a weird side note, on the flight up Bubba Sparxxx (yes, I know most of you won't know who that is) was waiting to go onto first class for the flight to ATL. He was in a white hoodie and ball cap and talking on his cell phone. I must have glanced at him two or three times before I realized why he looked familiar to me...although, I 'm a little embarassed to say that I could recognize any performer of the "rap" genre.

I have to go back to work tomorrow. Meh to the nth degree...

Spillin' my macchiato

Not really. More like just sippin' on it...

What is it with stores selling bathing suits in February? It is still winter right? I mean, I understand that I live in the Sunshine State and I know that Punxsutawney Phil predicted an early Spring this year, but it's still a little chilly here. And I'm flying up into the Northeast's "arctic conditions" tomorrow, so I was really hopeing for a sweater or something. Nope. Tank tops and short shorts. At least, that's what the big chain stores here are selling. I think I'll have to make a trip to the Super Wal-Mart when I get up there. It's supposed to snow on Saturday. In a way I wish my son could come with me - he'd love the snow. Maybe next year we'll take a regular trip up in winter. Of course, that would be the year that Global Warming ™ really kicks in, and there are record setting high temps.

Anonymous loves apostrophies

And culinary opposites. And so does Strongbad!

Time is the longest distance...

Due to some sad circumstances, I have to fly up to the Erie area this weekend with my dad. I'll be seeing snow - probably enough snow to last me several years (it's currently just barely on the positive side of the thermostat today - lows are in the negative all week). At least I won't be driving on the icy roads, but air travel in freezing conditions makes me nervous. I have to go out tomorrow after dinner and get long-johns, another pair of jeans, wool socks and a couple sweat shirts. My mother-in-law is going to loan me a winter coat. I'm not totally sure what to do about shoes...

*Click*

My co-worker's husband hung up on me when I answered her extension by accident. I think that is one of the rudest things a person can do. How hard is it to acknowledge that the person who answered wasn't the person you expected, and just say you'll call back later?

And that same co-worker whose husband gave me the cold receiver had to ask me this morning how to go about figuring out what model of toner cartridge to get for the boss's printer. Arrrgrgrgrgrghhhh. Open up the f$#king machine and look! Yes! Do it! Or do it the hard way and search using the printer model number. Either way, be more independent! This is why I can't get anything done. Useless people, I swear...

The crazy lady who delivers the mail went off during lunch about how unfair her job is sometimes. I made the questionable move of deciding to have lunch in the breakroom at the same time (it's nippy out, so eating lunch outside today was not an option) so I got to listen to her profanity laced diatribe. She was all...

Hey - isn't that my line?

Dungy Sunday!

We're off to Neena's in an hour to watch the game and eat some good food (ahhh, pulled pork sammiches...mmmmm). Superbowl predictions: most of the commercials will suck and it'll be the Colts by 10. I mean, I'm glad for Lovie & I can appreciate the Bears and all that, but we're pulling for our local team's old coach. It's his time. Either way, I think it's going to be a great game. Update: I was off by two points! The first half was great - that first scoring run by the Bears was amazing - but the second half kind of dragged. I'm not a fan of Prince-nee~The Artist Formerly Known As-And Once Again Known As Prince, so I couldn't say much about the halftime show other than "Nice 'do rag" and "He's playing Hendrix?!?". Props for performing in the rain, though. And congrats to the Colts!

And in case you missed this years Animal Planet PuppyBowl like I did - clips!

On a side note, I'm soooo freaking happy that SNL brought back Maya Rudolph's Donatella Versace. That was the best sketch of the night. I have to wait and see if that one gets posted on YouTube. The Target bits are fun and the Firestarter smoked sausages got laughs from me, as well.

Hell Is This Other Person

What is with people? Today seems especially horrific, somehow, after coming off of a nice blissful day spent at home in bed in a self-medicated sleep-coma. These people really drive me nuts. And it's only 9:00 am. I think about finding a new job every day. The benefits are too good here, though, so it would be difficult to find something where the positives outweighed the negatives to such a degree. So I suck it up and march on, trying to not be dragged down into the sucking black hole of utter dispair created by the collective stupidity of my co-workers. I'll give you two examples, just from today. The first one: the lady who took over my old job is responsible for ordering supplies now - she's getting paid extra to support the boss and manage the office. Our printer is almost out of cyan ink and we have two reams of letter size paper left. Two freaking reams! That's enough to last about a week. Maybe. When we run out of paper I just know she's going to look at me and say "Well, no one told me I was supposed to do that". I could make a crude comment here involving ass-wiping, but...I've lost the will to go on at this point. The other example is that the boss liked the idea of an Outlook contact list. They're easy to set up, so I did. The only problem with it is that you have to update them whenever someone leaves or someone else is hired (which happens a lot - we have higher turnover than we should, it's ridiculous). That also is quite simple, if you know how to use Outlook. So the boss asked the lady who is doing my old job to update his list and she pestered me for a week to show her how to do it. She doesn't seem to understand the concept of I'm Busy, Come Back Later - That's Not High On My List of Priorities Right Now. I want her to be able to do these things for herself...she's worked here for a year (plus the prior administrative and computer experience she supposedly had) and still needs so much hand holding - she's barely capable of doing anything that's required of her without asking for help. So apparently she contacted our IT department. To set up an outlook contact list. She sent the guy over to set one up for me, and I must have had the most confused look on my face as I explained to him that I had one of my own & that I created one for the boss - it just needed two e-mail addresses removed, and one added. Do we really need to waste IT's time with this?

I just came back from a meeting about our staff awards banquet, where I was subjected to a group of some of the most ungrateful employees ever. No matter what the administration and managment does, it's never enough for some people. You don't think it's fair that someone gets awarded for service for two years in a row because you've never even been nominated? Those grapes are pretty sour, aren't they? And you're grousing about low morale because we do a wine and cheese reception, sponsored and planned by the boss's office, instead of a staff provided pot-luck like the old boss used to do? Good grief - our parking is going up 20% next year, and this is what you guys bitch about?!

I just took an online screening offered as a service here at work, and according to the multiple choice test I probably have depression AND an anxiety disorder. And I'm shocked...just SHOCKED! Depression and anxiety - I wonder what could be causing that? 7Sarcasm

Where there's smoke...

It never fails - I miss all the excitement. A light fixture in the library blew out this morning and caused the fire department to be dispatched. Of course this had to happen on the day I stayed home from work. I slept and slept. M called to check on me, but I couldn't wake myself up enough to call back. Thanks Nyquil (and so much for the work-life balance, America...)! I did feel well enough to go to dinner with the Millers. And once again it was TMI Thursday. I can't imagine what the people in the booth behind us thought of our conversation. I'm probably the only one who cares, though, so I don't think about it too much.

I love gag reels sooo much!

444 Alert -- Strong Language Ahead! 333