A heart that is distant creates a wilderness 'round it.

I will probably regret creating this post. Come to think of it - I am starting to regret all the deep introspection that has led me decide to post about what's on my mind this morning. But here goes nothing - true confessions time...

Anyone who knows me even a little knows full well that I can sometimes be more than a little...aloof. Some people have said "standoffish", even. I don't make friends easily, but when I do they are inevitably pretty strong bonds, and I keep a very small but close circle of friends, with a larger group of acquaintances drifting in and out. I've lost a number of what I consider real friends over time more often due to physical distance than personal fallings out. As I've gotten older I've worked harder to maintain my friendships than I used to, although I still sometimes get lazy and let people slip away. Things like MySpace and Facebook have made it a little easier to at least keep in touch with anyone I don't see on a regular basis, and have allowed me to make "internet" friends as well, who I can chat with sometimes without the stress of feeling the need to plan and execute get togethers. That being said, those same social networking sites have their own form of etiquette, and sometimes I get a little unsure of how to navigate those slippery slopes. The shuffling of "friends" is one example - sometimes it can be weird to see yourself dropped off of that list of uber-favored people. It is silly - kind of like high school on the internet.

But that brings me to my little dilemma (and subsequently the long, drawn out backstory): I have a "friend" who was a former coworker, who, when we worked together, was one of the people that I was almost always happy to have on my crew (there were exceptions, when he was being a jackass, but those times were pretty few and far between). He was someone who had my back, regardless, and was there when I was having a rough day or I wanted to throttle the supervisor. This happened a lot because television production is high stress and for a period of time I had an abominable troll as a direct supervisor...until he was fired for sexual harassment (of someone who was *thankfully* not me). I returned the favor of the attentions of my coworker by being good enough at my job to allow him not to have to school me in technique or wait for me to fix errors, making his job easier. As time went on and we'd worked together for a while, we often brought each other favorite treats, took breaks at the same time, and exchanged reading material. He was one of the rare exceptions to my harsh and judgemental reactions to people with the kinds of personal flaws I came be aware of in him - I actually came to view these failings and quirks as a sort-of charm. In time - if I'm being completely honest and objective about the situation - it became obvious that I'd developed a little crush. I knew it. Half of my shiftmates apparently also knew it. Of course, most of them just smirked about it and kept their comments to themselves. I was in a very serious relationship at that time (actually, it's the same relationship I'm in now and have been in for...many years), and being a realist, I recognized this crush for what it was: me being a typical girl who needed someone to pander to my own "knight in shining armor" complex - someone who would come to my defense and provide a willing shoulder to cry on. I never knew if my silly crush was reciprocated or if my coworker ever caught on - although towards the end of my time with my former company a couple of people hinted that they figured it was a mutual thing. Maybe he was too polite to say anything, or he just liked the attention.

After I stopped working in television, my coworker and I fell out of touch (there were a variety of reasons - chief of which being the questionable appropriatness - in my mind, anyway - of maintaining the opposite-sex friendship outside of work with someone who I had these odd, confusing feelings for), although I got updates from others who still worked with him from time to time. Eventually, another of my former coworkers convinced me to join MySpace. After a while, I discovered (through someone else's profile) that my old coworker/friend/crush object had joined as well, and added him as a MySpace "friend". At first I tried to send simple greetings and leave comments, but getting responses back was...well, it often didn't happen. After a bit he moved out of state and I kind of stopped trying to keep in contact as much. I'd send a hello around holidays or responses to bulletins every great once in a while, and all was well. But recently I posted a comment in response to something on his profile, which he left up for a couple of weeks. And now it's gone. Everyone else's comments are there. Mine has been deleted. The comment wasn't at all negative, so I'm not really sure what the purpose of deleting it would be. As I said, I can be kind of antisocial and closed off with people and generally try not to be overly sensitive, and I'm not going to take this at all personally...but, shouldn't I, in a way? It does seem a little...insulting. And that stings. Just a little.

The funny thing is that, considering my little stone for a heart, I don't develope crushes or infatuations all that easily (at least, post-high school). In fact, since it has been four years that I've been out of the world of broadcasting with its high emotions and perpetual stress, it has been four years since I've even been in the throes of such a ridiculous emotional situation. It may be my last adult crush, for all I know. Which would actually be just fine by me. Of course, being a human with a fully functioning sensory and central nervous system prone to instinctual response to stimuli, I can't help but have reactions to what I find physically attractive from time to time. In fact, I was talking to someone yesterday who was, in my definition anyway, quite gorgeous (very dark hair and olive complexion and all), and I'm pretty sure I was blushing through the whole conversation. That is not the same as a crush - which to me is more of an emotional attachment and can make you come to see someone as more attractive than you might otherwise at first glance - and I just don't see myself developing that same feeling for a male acquaintance in this phase of my life. For starters, it can be dangerous, especially to real, established relationships. Secondly, I don't really have the time or energy to get to know someone well enough to foster that little bond that leads to crushing like I once did. Plus, I don't work in that kind of highly-charged environment anymore. So the perfect crush-cocktail just doesn't exist for me right now. Kind of sad, but it marks my relentless charge into true adulthood, I guess.