"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice"

Since the holiday shopping season is now in full swing, I thought I'd do a little public service for those who haven't quite decided what to get for the hard-to-shop-for in their lives, to make the gift buying ordeal a little less painful this year. Trust me. You'll thank me later. And if you don't...

Well, Santa can easily take back the Aqua Globes and ShamWow, mister!

First up, we have the Snuggie - a innovative blanket with sleeves. Perfect for that batty old Aunt who was just released from the asylum and misses the reassuring warmth and snug fit of the mandatory straitjackets. Plus, it is shaped to fit like a dumpy friar robe, so its fashionable as hell.



Next, there are the Tini Puppinis. They may look at first glance like harmless stuffed animals. But look closer. Go ahead, I'll wait.




Do you see it? They're wearing clothes! Slightly...skanky clothes, to be precise. In the commercial one of the plush toys is even potrayed as saying "I love my tail in these jeans". Weren't Bratz enough? Now we've moved on to ratcheting up the slut factor of stuffed dogs in the march to ensure the trampification of our impressionable youth? The website even features a section where you can skank out an online puppini by tarting it up in oddly proportioned, barely-coordinating outfits (sans knickers) in the "fashion show designer", or let your precious snowflakes practice slathering virtual makeup on animals in the "makeup designer" - perfect for the budding animal researcher in your brood.



Other swell holiday gift ideas include anything sold late at night on cable channels that no one watches except insomniacs and cat ladies. Examples of such products include the Strap Perfect (which resembles some sort of torture device) and the uncomparable Pancake Puff Pan.



Because nothing says "I love you!" quite like the thoughtless gift of a unitasking junk food preparation device that cooks up unappetizingly mediocre dough balls and adds to your kitchen clutter!