What if this weren't a hypothetical question?

After picking up my pooch from the vet clinic and getting her all settled at home, I came to work to find myself greeted by nine missed calls. Nine. In four hours. All from the same person. Why? For what purpose does one call and call and call...and not bother to leave a voicemail? Then I logged into my email and discovered a message with the following subject line (and this is verbatim, caps lock and extraneous punctuation have actually not been dramatized for effect, for once): WHERE ARE YOU???

Dear coworker: You are neither my boss nor my spouse. Do not ever - and I mean ever in the completely literal sense - treat me as if I have to justify my existence or my whereabouts to you. Ever. Because I will go rogue badger and extract your kidneys out through your trachea.

Not to mention that the manager of IT just called to follow up on a project that was assigned to me that I had to relegate to back burner status because of several other priority assignments that I was given. He's probably tracking my keystrokes as I type this, so just FYI - I just did the project and sent it on its merry little way via the web-space. Happy now?