Which one of us is Marilyn?

I just had a small meltdown in front of my boss. It is a byproduct of stress and anxiety, and watching other people play their games and somehow reap rewards, and feeling like everything I do is either a waste of time or an effort in futility - or enables someone else to not have to do their job. My new boss is trying to be understanding and supportive and I'm trying to do the best I can to maintain...or, at least appear to maintain...as positive an outlook as possible. I've been trying to project an attitude of "Look, I'm an asset, not a liability, and I'll do whatever you ask just because I'm grateful to have a job", but it feels a little unnatural and the facade of unquestioning compliance is getting harder to keep up as I become more and more aware of how poorly run this place has been and how absurd the priorities of the people running it tend to be. I feel careworn and tired a lot, and that's not a good sign. To put it another way: My mask is cracking, and the miserable countenance beneath is slowly being revealed.


Considering everything I have been asked to do in the last month and a half, and the many directions I feel pulled in on any given day...this business is getting old, that's all. I hit my five year mark this month. To me, five years with a company is the equivalent of the seven year itch. You start to look around and re-evaluate what's going on. You start to wonder about missed opportunities and the greener grass somewhere else. Let me tell you, they know they've got me in a spot because of the "state of the economy", and are going to milk me for every bit of work they can get out of me for what they pay me. It's just a question of my fortitude and how long I'll stand for it. Don't get me wrong - I'm just as grateful as anyone else to have a job right now when so many don't, and the security and the benefits tip the scales in favor me me staying. But for how much longer I just can't be sure. I have promised myself another year to gain some more experience and give the company an opportunity to rebound, and then we'll see where things stand.